I love him

(illustration of how i hug zach all the time)

ah.. i just can't stop expressing how much i love zach. this is no joke cuz i do love him a lot. get tat? a lot!! ^^

i mean... come on, it's been almost 9 months of happiness together. and we've been stayin together under the same roof for a month now.

yea.. things do happen which makes us realized n know more of each other. times help us realized tat we're both human n prone to mistakes in life. we learn to explore each other's invisible barriers of emotions such as jealousy and lust. lesson well learnt for me indeed. i've learnt a lot in tis 1 month for sure.

i'm grateful for having zach as my bf, as he's patient enuf to tolerate the mistakes i stumbled upon my exploration. i wld rather think not much of others wld be like him.. tolerating my mistakes.. over n over again.. for tat, i'm thanking the entity i've never giv much credit b4 in my life, the guy up there (yes, u, god, i'm thanking u)

let me end my blog entry with words dedicated for my love, zach...
ASHITERU!!! ^^ love ya dear, zachary


with love,


forgive me, dear.. for i've sinned.. my sins are so deep tat it scratches ur heart so deep... nothing can i do to compensate the amount of pain i've induced on ur feelings..

for the moment i saw the msg.. i was horrified, putrified and stunned.. as such words never cam from ur mouth towards me b4.. i know.. i've made the biggest mistakes of my life..

i'm sorry.. really sorry.. but it'll nvr suffice.. as wounds dun heal when sorry passes by.. no it doesn't...

the whole afternoon was the most painful one for me.. as i'm shut away from ur feedbacks when u ignore me.. to me.. ignorance definitely hurts me the most compared to words of anger or physical actions.. it hurts me so much.. tat i broke into tears at random intervals...

at 4.52pm.. ur sms came thru.. the moment i saw ur name on the alert, my eyes were all watery as i cheered.. after reading ur sms.. i totally broke into tears.. u finally gav me a feedback.. i was so happy tat i ran out of words to describe how i felt.. no tat i wanna feel the same way again.. but i was rejoiced for ur reply to me... thank god..

i know wat's been done can never be undone.. a heart's broken needs time to mend.. n so does wat i've done to u n ur feelings.. i'm totally sorry for wat i've caused.. i dun dare say anything.. but i'm learning as day passes on.. learning to be a perfect bf for u...

sorry for wat he did,

Heaven!!! I'm in heaven

(here's the closest thing i can get to look like heaven from google)

wow... finally.. after a month of seclusion w/o proper internet access... i'm saved!! i'm granted entry back to civilization as i'm totally connected for good to the internet!! hallelujah!

to be honest, blogging was never my priority when it comes to online. i only blog whenever i feel like expressing myself. well right now i do feel like it. :P totally sorry for those who do read to update themselves abt wat's going on with me.

now tat i'm online once again, i'm seeking back all my glorious attention from the cyberworld. muahaha! as usual, i wanna be chatting with 10 windows at the same time while at least half of them telling me tat i'm attractive (note, i love attention). keke. come on, dun tell me u dun like to be complimented. the more, the better ain't it? :D

next, online gaming, i'm gonna make up for all those online gaming i've missed since 2 years ago when i entered the bloody uni of mine. eyeing for water margin as it resembles ro which is so filled wit bots n fair play no longer exist in it. going abt it as much as possible.

last but not least, i'm messing with my webcam as much as i can. whever i feel like taking a shot at myself, i'd just, *clickz* n voila` there's a new pic of me. :D i love taking pics of myself now, unlike who i was a year ago. well, try asking a 105kg person to take pics like i do, i'm sure tat's not possible in normal circumstances.

(here i am, cam whoring as usual)

ahh, i just love the feeling of being connected to the net. well, i do hav some downs on the way here, but tat's another entry perhaps?


Fat!! Fat!! Fat!!

I'm fat! ok, mayb i was fatter.. but i still think i'm fat.

i weigh at 65 kg with a height of 178. average bmi of 20.5. however, i still dun like wat i see thru the mirror. i can still see flabs!!

in case for readers who don't know... i once weighed as heavy as a growing cow. it was 105kg. u read it right. 105. and it's kg, not pounds. well, my height was still the same. i press the calculator and my bmi turns out, voila~ 33.1. well, i'd love to post my before-i-lost-weight's pic here, but i wasn't some1 with much self esteem then till i never really hav a pic or two of myself. so, my IC is the best illustration. wanna see? ask me. haha

(virtually, this is how i look like if i'm bart simpsons)

ah.. wat a relief it was to get myself looking good by losing those weights. but the prob with me ever since is.. i'm so darn afraid of gaining those weights back again tat i'm watching avthing tat i eat... >< src="http://images.ibsys.com/2005/0923/5011171_240X180.jpg">
(sorry if this pic turns down ur appetite, but just for clarification purposes, i don't hav this amount of excess skin, it's just the best deal to describe wat excess skin is in an exaggerated way)

a few days ago, i weighed myself, and omfg! i was at 68kg!! was darn freaked out!! i even tried to go back on my crash diet(a super tight diet, where only apples are consumed to prevent hungryness and 1 meal a day which i undertook when i was on the stage of losing 40kgs). the feeling was terrible! after much measuring and seeking of opinions from my friends who are involved in health and body building field, i've realised tat i din gain fat.. it was muscles. hmm.. now tat's relieving...

but nevertheless, i'm always vigilance.. if i ever get fat again, i'm gonna jump from my house! lol

p.s. this is wat i aim to look like if i can help it. well an eye candy at last compared to the last 2 pic right? clap pls`` :P


online gaming

heck, since i've got so much to express, i dun mind making multiple entries in 1 day.

online gaming. ahh.. tat brings back memories. the first online rpg game in malaysia. ragnarok online. i was sitting for my spm and i was playin it day n nite! (mind u, i did score str8 A's) it was the most wonderful game ever. i can't stop playin it though tat time i was only using dial up! haha, my dad had to hide the cabel connecting it to the cpu just to prevent me from playin 24/7 but i had ways to go around. haha.

loved tat game till i got hacked.. :( worse still, my offer for my petronas scholarship came. i'm to go to a remote place with no internet connectivity. thus i've lost connection to the online game i've love so much... thus i've always stay away from online games. cuz i'm disappointed on how things turned out. hacked, hindered from playing. when i hav the opportunity back, i feel tat the game was no longer fair, as they were bots avwhere, player's level are way to high to catch up with. no point playin it again...

then, there was lots of other online game sprouting out, with so claimed better graphics, 3d n stuff like tat. yea sure, but if u ask me, i still like ro's animation, cute, nice n simple. :D ^^ so i never liked any other online game actually except ro

now out comes water margin. it's similiar to ro, except tat it's no ro. yea, i still do prefer ro's gameplay style, but the only reason i play tis game is cuz of it's graphic similiarities to ro. :P n there's less ppl in it, no bots. hurray! kekeke

i'm already addicted to it. help me anyone? haha

here's a screenshot of water margin online. it's the chinese version in the screen shot, but i can't read chinese, so i'm playin the english 1. nevertheless, concept remains the same. ^^

malaysian ISP sux

it's been awhile since i blog.. plenty of entries i'd love to make... however.. it's not possible due to... the fucking phone line services in malaysia

we applied for streamyx at our house for almost a month. we don't hav a phone line there, so we applied 1 too. the 1st call came to zach's phone n told us tat there's no signal at our place... wtf? lame! there's a unit above my house which hav internet n phone line? are u telling me tat signal in an area is determined by its height? humorous! we went to TM point at titiwangsa (the place was a desert, by the branch was very new, total new stuff with almost perfect services... seems too good to be true... well, we went n enquire abt y we still hav yet to get our streamyx only to be told tat they only handle registration n not enquiries. instead.. they gave us an enquiry number to call to!!! 1-800- something - i - forgotten. n fuck it! it's not even toll free. zach called the number only to be told another garbage excuse. ther's no phone line available to our unit... wtf? is there such thing as a phone line shortage? i mean, come on, with 8 digits in our phone number and there's still shortage? gimme a break.

power's tariff is up, petrol is up, sugar is up, n govt still can't provide basic services to us? u call tis a developing country? i call it my-fed-up-country. grr


hmm, just for reference purposes, i din make it to the finalist. and man, was i pissed off for awhile. haha. but i've moved on.

now communication is my topic here. no, i'm not gonna talk abt mobiles n ipod n stuff like tat, i'd stick to the good ol' conventional way of communication, speech.
now wat u're gonna hear next wld be a quite narcissist preference of mine in terms of communication in speech n text. well, to be quite frank, it doesn't take a genius to tell i'm an english educated. being originated from ipoh, my mother tongue was cantonese, which i'm only mediocre at. i excel best in cantonese speaking when i'm bullcrapping, thrash talking n swearing. i excel better in the languages i picked up at school to be precise.

english for example, was best used by me to express myself in all sorts of situation. the national language, which i hold not much pride in, was mastered due to my constant reading of a thrash local comic named 'Ujang' back when i was in secondary school n further enhanced when i entered my ex uni, UTP, where the racial composition was so 'fair' where there's 90% malays quota. having no choice but to communicate, i've used watever arsenal of my vocab n malay, n thus, i do hav an edge in communicating in the national language as well.

meanwhile.. my exposure in mandarin is bad. n i din really like the language to be exact. i did some mandarin when i was in kindergarden. then when it was primary school, i did some additional class, but i started to loathe it and skipped it pretty much. never ever liked the language anymore as time pass by. yes, i'm very sceptical towards the language. when i was chucked into my ex uni, heck! most of the chinese wasn't speaking english nor cantonese. i was like. wtf! thank god, they gave in to me n started speaking english to me. though i hav to admit, their fluency ain't tat high of a level, but thank god, at least i still do understand. now i'm in tar college, hmm.. guess wat? it ain't as bad as wat i thought. i mean, the thought of a college where all chinese can go to.. wat's expected? mandarin filling all over the place, hate to be languist (racist for language), but excuse me, tat was wat i had in mind at the 1st place. well, stereotypin is often wrong. my group of frens happen to be english ed, n they're great! haha. tat's y i said, life is cool for me!

hmm, just to draw some conclusion here, (how come my entry is similiar to essay writting or experimental reports?) i just hope whoever who happens to read this blog, wld know wat language wld i prefer to commune with, especially to frens who are gonna meet me for the 1st time.

p.s. screw ah bengs!

proud to be english ed