Robb's Past - The Rock Bottom Rejection

Today, I'm going to share the story that changed my life around.

After getting used to the online crowd of gays, I started to look for someone special that I can love and love me back for who I was deep inside since I wasn't exactly the best looking dude back then. Even though I was fat, my standards for a boyfriend aren't very low. Come on, I was not going to date another fat or ugly guy just because I was fat, okay? Yes, I was that unrealistic back then. Lol.

I was still anonymous back then with the nickname Yaoi^. That was the nickname I used back then and it meant 'gay' in Japanese. I was anonymous because, most of the chatters that were regular in the chatroom all have self pictures which they trade and I, unfortunately didn't have one nor the balls to actually take one and display it proudly. Well, I'll attribute it to my fatness for my lack of self esteem.

However, due to my not so bad communication skills, I was able to get acquainted with a few nice gay friends and one of them was really cute. His name was Seamus. Seamus was 2 years younger than I was back then. This happened when I have completed my first year in UTP and was having my semester break. Seamus was a cutie in my eyes back then. He had a pair of seductive eyes in the pictures he sent me and I was instantly seduced by his photos. No, I didn't jerk off looking at his photos (though I admit I might have done something much more imagining him in my mind back then).

He was a typical kid. Lots of emotional problems with family, school and hated the world. Childish if you ask me to summarize it now but back then I was very willing to listen to his 'problems' and give him some opinions and suggestions on how to handle them which most of the time he didn't bother following. But I was happy to be there and care for him back then. Our relationship got closer as time passed by. He gave me his house phone number and I started calling him to talk every late night after my parents were asleep. We talked about a lot of things but never on sex (cause I was a chicken).

I started to fall for him not long after that in which I told him and asked if I'd have a chance to be his boyfriend. He told me that we were too far apart as of then (I was in UTP, some ulu place in Perak, he was in KL). He asked me to leave it to fate if we're meant to be together. However, he promised that he'll consider me as his boyfriend as he was single at that time. I was happy when he told me that. That was the first time I was being considered to be a boyfriend!! Woohoo!!

I started calling him deary names such as "Dear, Darling, Baby" which probably could freeze Hell over if Satan heard me said those names. And he was kind enough to let me call him such names. I was really happy... till one day.

Seamus called me and asked if he could meet up with me in KL cause his parents were going out of town. He wanted me to travel to KL and meet him over the weekend so we can go dating before he confirm our relationship. He suggested that I could stay over at his house during the weekend trip. When I heard about this, I was overjoyed!! Finally, I get to meet Seamus, the boy that I was infatuated with. ^_^

But there was one point that we never brought up in the relationship we had so far before. He had never ever asked for my display picture nor asked how I looked like. I brought this topic up to him and informed him that I wasn't the best looking guy in the world. In fact, I fell into the range of fugly guys (I'm very honest and harsh even to myself). He didn't really buy my story at first but he was cautious. He asked if I could let him see a picture of myself. I didn't have any digital copy of my pictures back then which I told him. He just replied that it was okay, he'll get to see how I look when the following weekend. I couldn't bear to keep it hidden from him nor surprised him that I was a hideous monster thus I went to all the trouble to scan my photo in a cybercafe and sent it to him.

*Online Chat*
Seamus : Oh my God!! You're fat!!

Me : Yea.. I told you I wasn't the best looking guy around.

Seamus : Ugly is one thing... but fat.. Eeeeee..

Me : ........... Does this means you don't want to meet me anymore? Should I cancel my trip to your place this weekend?

Seamus : No la. It's okay. You can still come. We can hangout.

Me : Are you sure...? If you don't want to see me anymore cause I'm fat and ugly, you can just said so. I can take it.

Seamus : I'm sure. Hey, I gotta go now. Talk to you the next time I'm online yea?

And he went off.

The very next day, he got online and I happened to be online everyday back then cause during semester breaks, there was little to do at home.

Seamus : Hi Yaoi.

Me : Hi Seamus baby!

Seamus : Erm.. If I tell you something, please don't get upset, can?

Me : Okay.. (I got a hunch that he's calling off my trip to visit him in KL)

Seamus : My godbro is taking me to Cameron Highlands this weekend for his birthday. He forced me to follow him for the trip. So..

Me : I cannot go visit you at KL this weekend..

Seamus : Yea... I'm really really sorry. But my godbro forces me to go along. He treated me so nice all this while. I couldn't refuse him. I'm sorry Yaoi. I promise you can visit me in KL next time, okay?

Me : Sure.

I went offline after that. I cried my heart out. I knew this was going to happen but I still couldn't swallow it in that easy. I was sad despite the fact I know the world is very realistic. I was disappointed not by him.. but by myself. Despite the fact I know how realistic the world is, I didn't do anything to improve myself. I was really devastated by this incident.

To find out more, check out my old blog which I am surprised it's still here. Lol.

If you're to lazy to read my crappy blog back then, after he came back from Cameron, he ignored me totally be it online chat or phone calls. He didn't reply a single message I sent him since and as much as I would like to believe that he was indeed forced to comply with his godbro's request to go Cameron, I'm very sure the ignoring part is definitely due to his discovery of how I looked.

His rejection got my gears on to do the most important thing in my life as a faggot. To improve my outlook. I lost 40kgs in 6 months time after this incident. I will share with you what I did and my journey in a first person's point of view, rather than a 3rd person's point of view which you can get from my backdated blog post.

Stay tune.

Cheers
Robb

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