In case you didn't know, I'm openly gay.
And by that, it doesn't mean that I go around kissing guys and molesting them in public. No, that's not openly gay, but perverted (though I admit I might do that if it's the last day of my life).
What I meant was, everyone that is acquainted with me knows of my sexuality. Be it my friends, housemates, colleagues, clients whom I've worked closely with and my nucleus family. Meaning - dad, mum, sisters, dogs, mosquitoes inside my parents' house and the lizards on the wall.
The process of letting my parents know I'm gay went better than what I've expected. My mum seemed to be able to accept it while my dad was totally disappointed and had some hidden rage in him that I turned out queer. However, my dad got over it as time passed and he just ignored the fact that I'm gay and happily living with my boyfriend/lover/life partner, Zach. Every time I tried to bring in Zach into the conversation, he ignored it and pretended that I didn't said anything. Else wise, everything was just fine as it is.
Denial and pretending that something didn't happen while it did doesn't solve anything, as far as I've learned in my life. My dad is more than 30 years wiser than me but I'm not sure if he shares the same sentiment in this opinion for this case.
Recently, my elder sister graduated from medical school in Russia. She's now a full time doctor serving at Penang. As usual, a new doctor works like a donkey but gets paid handsomely which means they have quite a bit of money to spend but no time to do so. After spending 7 years in Russia alone, she kinda long for some family get-togethers and it's understandable which I made an effort to join in the fun one of the past weekends by going back to Ipoh.
As my siblings and I are all working now and we have responsibilities to shoulder daily. Thus, whenever we can, we'd try to schedule a time to get-together. My younger sister who is a trainee nurse gets a week off for each half a year. Her holiday is coming somewhere in July and I thought why not we have a family get-together to Penang.
Reason being Penang, my elder sister works there, she doesn't have to be too far from her workplace in case of emergencies and I have super huge cravings for Penang food as I've not been to Penang for over a year. I also thought it would be a perfect time for the family to accept me for who I am and Zach as a person who's important to my life thus I thought of bringing Zach along for this trip. Zach could also be helpful to show us around what's nice to eat and where to go and etc.
However, I've got a certain feeling that Zach's presence to the family get-together might not be welcomed and thus I checked with my younger sister about it. She doesn't seem to welcome my idea as she felt that dad might be uncomfortable (upset would be a better word) about it. She asked me to check with dad's opinion first before making any further plans about this.
Thus, I ranged my dad and told him about a get-together to Penang. He seemed happy that I had the intention to suggest such a thing and said he don't mind going for it. However, when I brought up the suggestion that Zach tags along his voice tone changed into a hostile one and said "NO".
I further asked why not and he gave me his most used answer to assert his authority in my years of growing up.
"NO MEANS NO!"
I gave up trying to ask why as he sounded totally hostile when he said that. Then I told him I'll check for my schedule before I revert for the get-together. But I've made up my mind that I'm not going for such a get-together.
Reason?
My boyfriend/lover/life partner is being discriminated by my very own dad. I even got a feeling that I'm being discriminated by my dad. Reality check, I wonder if my dad would have reacted this way if Zach is Zena (in other words, a girl, which makes me a straight lad)? Would my dad be upset of my girlfriend going along with a family trip? Or, would my dad be upset if my sister's boyfriend tag along for one?
I really have no idea, but being someone who tends to be negative towards his family, I'd said no. My dad would not be upset if I'm straight bringing a girl nor my sis bringing their boyfriends to a family trip. I might be jumping to conclusions here, but I'm human alright? I'm upset due to the fact that I felt discriminated against by my very own family even though it's not a proven fact yet.
I understand that my dad is uncomfortable of my sexuality. But sooner or later, he has to accept it and learn to deal with it, right? My intention was, why not start earlier so I can relate to my family more and felt loved by them? But it seems that my dad felt that avoiding this topic as long as he could would be a better option.
If there are any parents reading this, I'd really appreciate it if you can give me a view or two on this matter.
Felt discriminated,
Robb
And by that, it doesn't mean that I go around kissing guys and molesting them in public. No, that's not openly gay, but perverted (though I admit I might do that if it's the last day of my life).
What I meant was, everyone that is acquainted with me knows of my sexuality. Be it my friends, housemates, colleagues, clients whom I've worked closely with and my nucleus family. Meaning - dad, mum, sisters, dogs, mosquitoes inside my parents' house and the lizards on the wall.
The process of letting my parents know I'm gay went better than what I've expected. My mum seemed to be able to accept it while my dad was totally disappointed and had some hidden rage in him that I turned out queer. However, my dad got over it as time passed and he just ignored the fact that I'm gay and happily living with my boyfriend/lover/life partner, Zach. Every time I tried to bring in Zach into the conversation, he ignored it and pretended that I didn't said anything. Else wise, everything was just fine as it is.
Denial and pretending that something didn't happen while it did doesn't solve anything, as far as I've learned in my life. My dad is more than 30 years wiser than me but I'm not sure if he shares the same sentiment in this opinion for this case.
Recently, my elder sister graduated from medical school in Russia. She's now a full time doctor serving at Penang. As usual, a new doctor works like a donkey but gets paid handsomely which means they have quite a bit of money to spend but no time to do so. After spending 7 years in Russia alone, she kinda long for some family get-togethers and it's understandable which I made an effort to join in the fun one of the past weekends by going back to Ipoh.
As my siblings and I are all working now and we have responsibilities to shoulder daily. Thus, whenever we can, we'd try to schedule a time to get-together. My younger sister who is a trainee nurse gets a week off for each half a year. Her holiday is coming somewhere in July and I thought why not we have a family get-together to Penang.
Reason being Penang, my elder sister works there, she doesn't have to be too far from her workplace in case of emergencies and I have super huge cravings for Penang food as I've not been to Penang for over a year. I also thought it would be a perfect time for the family to accept me for who I am and Zach as a person who's important to my life thus I thought of bringing Zach along for this trip. Zach could also be helpful to show us around what's nice to eat and where to go and etc.
However, I've got a certain feeling that Zach's presence to the family get-together might not be welcomed and thus I checked with my younger sister about it. She doesn't seem to welcome my idea as she felt that dad might be uncomfortable (upset would be a better word) about it. She asked me to check with dad's opinion first before making any further plans about this.
Thus, I ranged my dad and told him about a get-together to Penang. He seemed happy that I had the intention to suggest such a thing and said he don't mind going for it. However, when I brought up the suggestion that Zach tags along his voice tone changed into a hostile one and said "NO".
I further asked why not and he gave me his most used answer to assert his authority in my years of growing up.
"NO MEANS NO!"
I gave up trying to ask why as he sounded totally hostile when he said that. Then I told him I'll check for my schedule before I revert for the get-together. But I've made up my mind that I'm not going for such a get-together.
Reason?
My boyfriend/lover/life partner is being discriminated by my very own dad. I even got a feeling that I'm being discriminated by my dad. Reality check, I wonder if my dad would have reacted this way if Zach is Zena (in other words, a girl, which makes me a straight lad)? Would my dad be upset of my girlfriend going along with a family trip? Or, would my dad be upset if my sister's boyfriend tag along for one?
I really have no idea, but being someone who tends to be negative towards his family, I'd said no. My dad would not be upset if I'm straight bringing a girl nor my sis bringing their boyfriends to a family trip. I might be jumping to conclusions here, but I'm human alright? I'm upset due to the fact that I felt discriminated against by my very own family even though it's not a proven fact yet.
I understand that my dad is uncomfortable of my sexuality. But sooner or later, he has to accept it and learn to deal with it, right? My intention was, why not start earlier so I can relate to my family more and felt loved by them? But it seems that my dad felt that avoiding this topic as long as he could would be a better option.
If there are any parents reading this, I'd really appreciate it if you can give me a view or two on this matter.
- What if your son is gay?
- What if your son wishes to introduce his boyfriend/lover/life partner to you?
- Will you be able to accept his boyfriend/lover/life partner as you'd have for a girlfriend/daughter-in-law?
Felt discriminated,
Robb
28 comments:
robb darling
this is called taboo in Malaysians society.
we will never in the winning situation over this matter, either you will be accepted quietly (which is good enuf) or discommunicated entirely.
a strange phrases like "don't you love your father/mother/family" or "father/mother old oledi(sedar pun) why u become like this, don't u love us" and cont with the typical reasons.
in summary, we are responsible for our own actions.
its impossible to make everybody happy with our decision.
peduli sama dialah! and
but never ever regret with ur decision.
(not trying to be batu api ok)
its happen to me, you and everyone
Either u go and confront him when he is alone and no way to escape...Or u jest leave the whole thing.. thats how we live in this world right..Cant give a damn to everyone around us..
Cheer up dude, things happens and sometime conflict turn out to help both parties to understand more and better. Just relax and give it sometime, things will get better in time.
awwws i understand..
But for me, if my son or daughter was gay, either way it will not change my love for them as they are still my child.
Parents are suspose to support their child no matter what they are. Personally i think that its quite stupid not to allow zach to go penang with you. Maybe bringing Zach will be a good idea, it might open up things to him and show that a gay relationship is no different to a hetrosexual realationship too.
i can keep bragging on and on but i shall stop here. - im quite fustrated after reading your post. >< sigh
well hope things go well. and i shud suggest to you, maybe talk to your sister about Zach going to penang and they can try to convince ur dad to let him.
xoxo Mishelle
if my son is a gay, i'll say "wish u were born a char siew, can eat rather than being gay!" :P jz kidding, i had no idea, but it won't be as pleasant though.
Well, for gays who are resenting over your parents, please do note this fact: "They are humans as well".
Having your parents to accept that you are gay is just as almost like having you (as a gay) to accept that you are straight and should not be gay. This is where the conflict begins.
Let's just say your dad has start to show tolerance and have not force you by any physical torture means to change you "back" into straight.
Your dad respects your decision, but does not wish to conform to your norms. It took him more than 50 years (from birth) being brought up to believe that everyone is straight and now u expect him to change his beliefs in such a short time? It's considered a progress by its own merit not to hang you.
Or perhaps, your dad was regretting cos he was an "inner gay" who chose a straight life and envy yours. :P
well sotong, i guess zach himself need to approach your parents, according to my experience lar...
ask zach to call your parents and try to chat with them lor... approach them slowly.
i think u should attend your family get together. it's really not easy for ur dad to accept u for who u are. give him some time and dont force him!
my bro is gay. my parents doesnt know about it but i think they sort of suspected that he is. one thing i know is that my dad will never accept a gay son.
if my future son or daughter is gay, i will definitely accept it. i will never discriminate against gay. i do not think there is any issue of having a gay child. i will be v supportive and loving regardless.
you should think from your father's perspective as well. Your father belongs to the older generation which means he comes from an era where homosexual is a taboo. Its not fair to force your father to accept who u are, all u can do is hope he will slowly change his mind. From the way things are now, he definitely will accept, but the problem is when? Forcing things to happen the way u like is not a wise choice, it will even backfire since your family might misunderstood your intention that zach is more important than your family. Sounds ridiculous, yes, most families in the world are very dramatic, including mine. lol
Btw its not totally about u being gay. Such thing can occur even to 'straight' couple, the fact that u are gay sure didnt give a good first impression. I am very sure your father needs time to overcome it. He definitely will, but not so soon. never rush thing. Especially forcing your father from 0% tolerance to 100% acceptance. You are on a fine line from between being selfish. Now go and attend your family get together!!! :P
p.s i can accept if my son is gay. But please please please dont smooch his partner in front of me!!!
Hey Robb, just give some times to ur dad, there is no dendam between u and him. I think one day he will understand n will accept ur situation. Bcoz in this world where got parents hope their son is gay n didnt get marry n help them to born some grandchild. Ur dad is just need more time to digest it, u cant force ur dad accept immediately. He sure will hope ur own good n worry bout ur future. He is always love n caring u most. u r his son. No matter what has happened, u n him is coming from a same family. Just relax n cheers k.
1st I need to appologise as I take it as a joke and laugh at your sexuality when KY stated that you are a gay.
The fact that you dare to admit yourself as a homosexual is something not easy and its a breakthru(Bravo to u). Howewver to convince your parents in accepting Zach as your the other half is another challenge. Perhaps your parents can accept for who you are but cant able to accept the fact that you want to bring Zach (a guy)to socialise with them as your partner. (which is not the norm).Need to solve things one at a time, perhaps need re-strategy again in the method of bringing Zach and your family closer which will not be easy task. Your father probably say a stern NO because he still do not want to accept his son has a bf instead of gf.. give some space and time..
I believe life is too short to live with regret and if you have chooses your path. You not only need to have Determination but also Perseverance.It will one of the toughes road that you n Zach need to go through as a challenge and you not only need to believe in what you believing but doing the things that you are believing. And there is always a price to pay.
Unfortunately in Malaysia, especially in the small town, the price is high.
If ever I am going to have child who are homosexual, I guess it's really tough to accept that initially but subsequently each person has their own right in choosing their life path which I will duly respect. And for the sake of the happiness of my kid,I would try hard to spend time and understand my kid's choice of partner. I believe only time can tells.
All of us know. Love is blind and when our eyes are open the reality comes in and you need to be prepare.
Good luck Robb! Forgot to tell you that you are such a cute looking boy when I met you! Haha...
well im not giving new advice in here since i believe they have said it all.
don't expect that it will be accepted fast. just take one step at a time. your dad is bound to understand but how can he if you don't talk much??? you work far away from family i think. it would have been easier to accept if he sees you happy and contented.
i guess most people will share the sentiment... u are considered lucky coz at least there is some acceptance in ur family. I guess mine will resort to unduely outcomes. Well prolly u need to take it slow and see what brings u. Life isnt sweet all the time u know :)
aww.. i feel you..
sighs.. i duno what to say la..
in malaysia, some people cant accept this fact.. you gotta take your time.. dont rush in..
dont force your dad to accept zach and one day he'll soon realise it..
dont worry.. you're fine to me..
take care robb! =)
i noticed that you all love me more when i write my posts w/o pictures. :D
many thanks for your views and opinions. I think i do get it now that not everything can be done in a quicker manner. Sorry to inform that I'm usually a person who'd try to solve a conflict the fastest and efficient way possible, which in this case, trying to be fast but not very efficient.
At any rate, I highly appreciate all your views. If there are more, please do share yea? :)
Hey Robb,
Just remember that all the good things come to those who wait. Give your father some time, because he needs it to understand the whole thing. I think he is on his way, but you have to give him the time. No need to push too much because it might as well just fire back.
I also think you should go to the get-together thing and may be discuss stuff a bit further.
Maybe start of small first and instead of a family vacation trip, maybe start out with dinner or something? Or maybe you can talk to your Mom more about it and see what she says? :D
I know how you feel... this havent happen to me yet... mayb someday
I dun have the courage to love some1/start a relationship... sad... afraid my family know bout it too soon... cant imagine how bad the consequences...
im getting older, sooner or later my family and relatives gonna find out... gosh... its hard for me to step forward...
im so afraid to loose my friend, my family too...
ur father will never accept.
not that I'm gonna take ur dad's side but it's real hard for him to accept that you're dating a guy. Maybe ask ur mom to talk to him about it? A women is always the easiest way to melt a straight guy's heart :D
he'll get over it one day, after all parents just want their kids to be happy..
I feel for you...but you must understand that old people are generally set in their ways. It is near impossible to expect them to change... The obvious fact is he tolerates it as no matter what, you are his son but that doesn't mean that he accepts you for who you are. It's a choice you have made, and you have to live with your choice. Sometimes, one just have to let go...
This is a difficult issue.
I agree with what Melissa wrote, ie, to start off small. Bring Zach to family dinner/lunch, and do that every week.
I think it is one of those things where you have to be a bit forceful yet gentle. If you avoid contact thinking your father will be unhappy, then, he will not have the opportunity to get used to Zach, so things will not change.
Hopefully, your Zach will be able to win over your father's affections in time.
sometimes it is hard for parents to accept this kind of things.
since it is a family gathering why not just go ahead with it?
whatever their feeling may be towards u being with zach, i am sure it should not be a hindrance to staying together as a family.
u also have to understand that just like how they can't force u to be straight, u also can't force them to accept u outright.
fire fighting fire never helps.
hope this helped~
Hello Robb,
I really salute your courage and I really look up to you =)
"NO MEANS NO"
I can really understand that. I may be a girl and only girl in my family but I am a rebellious one. More than my two brothers. I had more conflicts with my father compared to my brothers lol!
Lately, we had an argument when I told him I wanted to extend my stay in Brisbane for another week (to spend more time with my boyfie) and he said "NO".
When I asked further, he said "NO MEANS NO" and that's really heart-breaking.
Though we have different cases and in different situations, I believe your father is learning to accept that you have grown up and YOU lead your own life, not HIM. But, he needs time. EVEN IF he does not, do not give up =)
p.s.: I do not discriminate gays. Plus, I find most of the gays are cute xD (which is a loss for me T_T).
If the key to enjoying your parents' company is to avoid certain topics, then you might want to avoid them. I am sure they want to see you as much as you want to see them.
It's not just a taboo thing, it's also a generational thing. In my mother's day, being gay just wasn't talked about openly. These days, my parents are confronted by the gay thing almost everywhere they turn.
It's not about forcing parents to accept this or that about our lives. Who cares? It's about enjoying the time you have together, surely.
You come from a young family of achievers, and I am sure you all have plenty to talk about when you gather around for meals. I wouldn't want to miss that. Would you?
When I was your age, I refused
to talk to my parents for 18 months, after they expressed their disapproval of a relationship I was in.
I regret that now, and would never do it again today, as time is too short.
You are full of surprises, Robb. I am pleased I discovered you in the blogosphere when I did, as your writing just gets better and better.
What do you expect from your dad? Openly welcome Zach? It is not easy for your dad to digest the fact that his son is a gay. I understand how disappointed he is. U should not push your dad to the limits. I think he has reluctantly accept you as a gay and i think that is his limits. Don't expect him to accept Zach as well. So you don't whine why he is saying a big fat NO to your family trip. You should be grateful that he didnt disown you.
As a parent, even if you tolerate gays in general it is still heart-breaking to realize that your son will probably never be able to give you grandchildren. It's almost like an early death. People want to live on through their offspring. Obviously this is just one aspect, but it's valid and should not be condemned.
Originally I didn't want to comment since most of those commentors here had already stated the facts and the obvious.
But i had to say something regarding one of the anonymous comments.
What is there to be grateful about that the parent did not disown him? That is the main source of discrimination, the very assumption that it is a bad thing, a threat, a harmful behavior that may result in being disowned.
oh PUH LEAZE, wake up. he's not slaughtering anybody. he is not being an arsonist, dealing drugs, murdering or kidnapping. homosexuality is not even a mental disorder. what on earth are you talking about disowning for?
i agree with abugida that yes, it may be hard to accept the children to being out of the norm. but that happens not only to homosexuals you know. girls who wanna become coroners, guys who wanna be dancers, children who wanna be soldiers. these are all not what parents would expect their children to be, but they would still accept their children, and allow them to follow their path.
The love of parents (provided they are mentally healthy) would never change for their children. This, is universal.Whoever think homosexuality is wrong, you are just as well discriminating everyone else.
There is no right and wrong in this issue. Like falling in love. It is not something that we can control. Instead of blaming him and asking him to view from his dad's perspective (which he may already had), why not take some time, and view from his perspective instead?
Anyway, Robb, ganbatte. Support you.
this is still a taboo in our society. you should try to understand how your dad feels. i don't mean to discriminate you but what if you are the father and your son tells you, he is gay? will you be able to accept it? all parents love their children and yours is no exceptional. and of course, we are responsible for our own actions and impossible to make everybody happy with our decision, but have you ever thought about your future? how would you like to live with your lover? for how long? what about children? are you going to stay 'happy' like that for the rest of your life? is it worth it? who will be looking after you when you get old and sick? will your lover be still by your side? are you not afraid of hiv if your lover is not faithful?
there are so many things to consider, more cons than pros, i should say in your situation. i hope you will rethink your decision and future thoroughly. this is my point of view as a parent.
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